Am I living my values, or just justifying my actions?

I recently had the opportunity to take a few weeks off and do some traveling. I always appreciate how getting out of my routine opens up space to be creative, to think big.

I found myself thinking about how my life has unfolded — in some ways predictably, and in other ways I could have never imagined. There were so many moments along the way where I could have made different choices, and lived an entirely different life.

One of those key moments was during my first job out of law school. The GFC had hit the Denver legal market hard, and like nearly every recent grad, I couldn’t find a job remotely aligned with my interests. I was working in financial services, auditing foreclosure decisions.

At one point, my boss invited me to apply for another job in the company, doing anti–money laundering compliance. I wrestled with it. This was not the dream, but it paid well, had a clear pathway, fancy buildings, travel. It ticked a lot of boxes. But it gave me zero sense of purpose or fulfilment. Maybe the AML work would have been more meaningful than auditing — I’ll never know. 

I distinctly remember driving home from work the day I made the call. While the job offered things many people would love, it just wasn’t for me. I remember saying, “I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.” For me, being out of alignment was intolerable.

So I jumped ship, quit the job, and got back onto my own path.

But that path wasn’t easy either. Living your values has costs — sometimes financial, sometimes personal. Still, I’ve been in alignment with my values and sense of purpose every day since. That’s worth far more than wearing fancy shoes in fancy buildings.

In restorative work we talk about values constantly. So much that they can start to feel like slogans. Yes yes, we all care about respect and honesty and kindness. 

The harder question is whether we actually live them. Or whether we shape them to justify what we’re already doing. I’ve heard plenty of people claim their core value is “directness” then struggle with broken relationships — a consequence I’m not sure they were truly content with accepting for the sake of this value. I’ve seen organisations trumpet “respect” while underpaying staff or enforcing rigid hierarchies. And even as restorative practitioners, we’re not immune. We can hold up respect, relationship, responsibility, and repair — and still sometimes feel the tug of revenge.

So here’s the questions I keep circling back to: Am I living my values, or am I retrofitting them to suit my actions? Am I really being honest with myself about how my actions align with the values I say I hold dear? Do I redefine them to protect my own comfort, or do I make the harder choices — the costly ones — to live them?